[P] Black Grenade

Rocky · **Posted:** April 27th, 2007, 1:44 pm

This is a pantoum my friend wrote that I thought was absolutely fantastic and thought I'd share it with the Village.

Quote:

Welcome to the church of the black grenade
Where you come if a man done you wrong
Come lead the charge of the fourth crusade
And you’ll learn what you known all along.

Where you come if a man done you wrong
If he proves your vows a mistake
And you’ll learn what you known all along
If you drown yourself in the lake.

If he proves your vows a mistake
If your furies cannot abate
If you drown yourself in the lake
Make your bottle a soul mate.

If your furies cannot abate
You’re tortured by trials unseen
Make your bottle a soul mate.
Jim Beam will seem real serene.

You’re tortured by trials unseen
He refuses to care for the baby
Jim Beam seems real serene
When you’re drunk and he cries you’ll shrug maybe.

He refuses to care for the baby
He says that you have a condition
When you’re drunk and he cries you’ll shrug maybe
But you drink of your own volition.

He says that you have a condition
When your head’s submerged in the drink
But you drink of your own volition
And doodle with permanent ink.

When your head’s submerged in the drink
You died facedown in the yard
And doodle with permanent ink
Obese and swaddled with lard.

You died facedown in the yard
Come lead the charge of the fourth crusade
Obese and swaddled with lard
Welcome to the church of the black grenade.

Tahu 1000 · **Posted:** April 27th, 2007, 6:35 pm

Um, interesting. Violent. The mods may be mad...

Does this friend have a name?

Rocky · **Posted:** May 1st, 2007, 4:41 pm

My friend's name is Ian Bonaparte, fairly close descendent of Napoleon Bonaparte. I wish people would read poetry from time to time

Thanks Tahu, but it seems roleplaying has dominated this forum...

Lochner · **Posted:** May 1st, 2007, 5:23 pm

Spectacular.

I'll tell you, we just finished a study on poetry in my college level. None of them compare to this, at all.

The form is wonderful and intersting in that your friend has a pattern to the repeated lines, making them more important and building up on it as you read through. Also, after the reader catches on to the pattern, they anticipate what the next stanza will be about, or wonder "How are they going to portray this?" and it keeps them thinking.

My only suggestion is to use proper grammar. The first example I found was the second line: "Where you come if a man done you wrong". The language threw me off, and I had to read it twice over on certain lines to make sure I read it right. Maybe where you life, everybody speaks that way, and they'd get it no sweat, but if your friend wants to touch the hearts of the masses, then he'll need to use what eveyrbody knows.

Then again, perhaps he'll become famous for using that kind of language. Everybody great author has their own little trademark, so maybe that could be his.

And I'm glad that you brought some poetry into this forum. In the sticky about the tags, I included an "essay" tag. I've never seen an essay or article here, but it takes up a large part of the writing community outside of RV, and I want that to be open to the villagers here.

Keep it up rocky, and definitly encourage your friend to keep goin!

[P] Black Grenade

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