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So that's a plus.
I'm not really sure what to say. It feels like there's a lot that I should say. There's a lot that I need to say. I'm not really sure how to start, except with "I'm sorry".
I disappeared. From RuneVillage, from RuneScape, from Skype, and even from Facebook. I just... stopped logging in. I can't even remember when exactly I stopped, it's been so long now... But I can only imagine how that made some of you feel - what it made some of you think - and I'm sorry for that.
A lot has happened since I disappeared. Weddings have been had, children have been born... A good man with a questionable past but an undeniable influence on our lives has passed away. I only just now found out about all of this, and I'm sure there's much more that I'm unaware of.
I never wanted to disappear. Some of you are people who I consider closer friends than the ones I've known in person, even to this day. Some of you were there for me at my lowest points, absolute in your friendship and reliably amazing to me in every conceivable way. Some of you filled me with hope and passion on a daily basis when, without you, I would have had none. One of you offered me generosity I could never have asked for and changed my life in a way that I can never express an appropriate level of gratitude for.
To all of those people, I'm especially sorry. For the past few years I've wanted nothing more than to get back in touch with you. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. The longer I waited, the harder it got, for a couple different reasons... But I am truly sorry. It's weighed on me every day that's passed and I want to make things right. I'm sorry that it's taken so long.
I owe you all an explanation. I owe one of you in particular more than that.
Kikori. Jeff. I've not forgotten and I never meant for it to take this long. I'm afraid it's going to take a little while longer still, for reasons that I wanted to put off until I got you paid back but ultimately couldn't wait (I'll speak with you about this in private), but I've made you wait too long already without a word... and I feel it only right to let everyone know exactly what the deal is.
A while ago, Kikori loaned me a fair bit of money to make my move to Flagstaff, AZ to begin college. It wasn't just to begin college, though. Prior to my move, I had been living with my Grandparents quite a ways outside of Maricopa, AZ, in the literal middle of the desert. I had no job, no vehicle (or license) to get into town to find work, and honestly no hope of anything changing. I had already given up at this point after the series of unfortunate circumstances my family and I had found ourselves in during the years prior (which you were all there for as they continually unfolded and I'll never forget the support you offered me). My grandparents had little means of helping me advance my own life; I was there to help them with their daily living and they provided me a place to stay. We survived off of welfare and social security (for as much as I hate to admit that). That was all it was and ever could be, or at least that's what I thought. That's what I had accepted, anyway. I had basically given up and was legitimately wondering what worth I even had sticking around in this world (to put it nicely). Those thoughts scared me. The hopelessness scared me. I needed a way out.
I forget how it was that I came to the conclusion, but I eventually came up with the plan to attend college. It was something I knew existed - something I knew most all of my old friends went on to do after high school - but not something I'd ever really considered for myself. I had always assumed it to be impossible with my circumstances. But as I desperately looked into the possibility of it - and of obtaining student loans - I began to see it as a legitimate possibility. I finally saw a way out. I saw a future for the first time in over a year. No, even longer than that. For the first time in my life. I saw potential in myself and what I could accomplish.
The only issue was the upfront cost of finding a place in Flagstaff. Student loans could only cover so much between classes and student housing, not to mention deposits and food, even when taking the maximum amount I could quality for. My family had little means of helping me despite their desire to. I was short and that's when Kikori offered to loan me enough to get started. In retrospect, I shouldn't have agreed to take the money. I was already looking at thousands of dollars in debt with no source of income. But I was desperate and told myself I would find work and pay him back as soon as I could... And ultimately, I'm thankful that I did. I don't know where I'd be right now - if anywhere at all - without his generosity.
But it turns out that being 22 years old with no prior job experience makes you particularly undesirable to employ.
By the time my first semester was coming to a close, I had intended to pay Kikori back at least partially with my next disbursement check for my next semester. He kindly refused to take anything until I had a proper source of income... which, by the end of my second semester, I had still been unable to secure. I had spent every dollar of my loans by the time my first year had come to a close and still lacked a source of income. At this point that sense of hopelessness returned. I didn't enroll for another year of college. I couldn't afford to accrue any more debt. I was already in a hole that I couldn't get out of. I was ashamed of myself and my inability to pay back the kindness that Kikori had entrusted to me... I was broke in more ways than one.
I couldn't stay in student housing so I moved in with my girlfriend... And that's a whole new can of worms. Let's just say the hole of debt grew even deeper; bi-weekly plasma donation can get you enough money for a modest diet, but it's not nearly enough to pay the bills. By the time I finally found a place willing to hire me, my girlfriend had already covered me for thousands of dollars in rent. Ugh. My stomach turns just thinking about that. Why or how she stayed with me I will never be able to understand but will always appreciate. And with my first real chance at redemption, I worked my ass off. I've been working my ass off for nearly two years now. From crew member to crew trainer to floor supervisor to shift manager, I have put every fiber of my being into a humble fast food job. I've been able to pay back the love of my life to the last penny and can now start tackling my student loans... And, far more importantly, what I owe Kikori. I'm sorry it's taken so long, but please know that you've changed my life more than I can ever thank you for. Without you, I never would have come to Flagstaff. Without you, I never would have met the love of my life. Without you, I never would have worked so damn hard to fix my life and pay back the burden I've placed on others - and that includes you.
I'm sorry that it took me until now to say this, and I can only imagine what you've thought of me over the past few years, but I still fully intend to pay back your generosity with interest.
I can't thank you enough, really. You probably saved my life. I'll speak with you about this more in private, but I feel like everyone deserves to know about our situation. It's my own shortcomings that caused me so much shame as to seclude myself from the people I love, and I'm sorry that it came at your expense. I feel like I've wronged not only you but our entire little community, dwindling as it may be.
So... I'm not dead.
I am very much alive and I intend to stay that way.
I won't be disappearing again.
I missed you guys.
I'm sorry.
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and I still have my little 'meerkat' image saved everywhere.
