Not to interrupt your mafia meetings... but can I be RuneVillage Admin? Please? It's my birthday you know...

Definitely! I was hoping you'd ask. I'll promote you right away!


Oh, but there's one little thing. You see, all admin promotions have to be approved by Tweedy. I'm sure he won't have a problem with that, though.

I'll send my carrier pigeon off to inform him of your request.

Frank,

I'm soz to inform you, my carrier pigeon died on the way Austria. I'm mildly surprised to see that it wasn't able to survive the flight above the Pacific ocean - but to be tru wit u, I think it deserved to die if it couldn't complete the task I assigned to it.

That said, I think you should accept partial blame for its murder, because it would still be alive today if you hadn't been frontin' me with your admin request. The pigeon cost me $1,000, and carrier training classes set me back 'bout a ' $300 per year for three years.

I think it's only fair that you reimburse me for causing the death of my pigeon. But youz a pimp-tight , and I understand that you probably didn't intend for my pigeon to die, so I want to make this easy on you. Just send me $5,000 in unmarked bills and we'll be square as a pineapple.

I seen that bird in Tijuana last Thursday. It was beak deep in a banana dackery doing body shots with Muffin. I think they went down to Mexico to elope because you didn't accept their lifestyle. They said something about you belonging to a clan of some sort... Never cared too much to know the name. However, if you're looking to get restitution for your bird I suggest you take it up with Muffin.

I can't imagine where you got your information. I inject a maximally-invasive GPS tracking device into the brains of all of my carrier pigeons. I can assure you that my pigeon is several thousand meters deep in the Pacific ocean, possibly being fed on by vicious anglerfish. If you don't pay me by Wednesday then I promise you'll suffer the same fate.

You'll be lucky to make it to Wednesday pal. I still have contacts with the Michigan Militia and they'll be paying you a visit shortly... They'll introduce you to Hoffa.

Oh and another thing... Why the hell would your pigeon be in the Pacific Ocean? Tweedy lives in Newark and you're in Iowa. The school obviously didn't teach the bird simple directions if it ended up in the Pacific Ocean. I'm sure it was on to you and ditched the GPS tracker there to throw you off their trail. Muffin and the Bird are probably in Guam by now. Good luck getting them.

Tweedy lives in Australia, what part of your ass did you pull Newark out of? And my carrier pigeon was not trained in autoneurosurgery, so your theory is wickedly improbable.

Even in the direst of circumstances, a carrier pigeon would gladly die before disobeying its master. But you're not a carrier pigeon, you're not even a normal pigeon, so what do you know about honor and loyalty?

Jaron, as an ardent supporter of the integrity of the Mafia games I feel it's my duty to tell you that Jackstick has been harassing me outside of the game. He has sent me several unsolicited PMs about birds and even sexually harassed me. I do not feel I can continue to enjoy playing this game of mafia if Jackstick is allowed to continuously harass me despite the threat of litigation!

I humbly request that you use your powers as the "leader" of this game and smite Jackstick post haste. I fear that Jack, drunk on an inferiority complex, has such a compelling need to win this game he poses a threat to my well being. He's aware I'm a much better player, person, administrator then he is so he'll attempt to dispose of me as a threat.

Sayaka, this is nonsense in its purest form. Frank is trying to get me disqualified from the Mafia game by masking our non-mafia-related conflict as a violation of mafia game rules. I assume this is his crafty plan to avoid paying restitution for the senseless murder of my carrier pigeon. You can find the conflict below. Please don't hesitate to side with me on this issue:

<copy of the conversation between me and Frank>

I have received another PM from Jackstick. He has somehow been able to read the PM I sent to you in private. The only logical conclusion is that he used his administrator powers to hack into either your or my account and read the PM. I think his proves that all of his so called "evidence" is entirely fabricated as a way for him to escape punishment for his sleazy tactics.

Jaron, I trust you'll be able to see through the scummy veil in which Jackstick lives and side with me on this issue.

Frank, Jackstick:

I really have to say that I find the events of these PMs unsettling. Not only did Jackstick misspell Australia as Austria (meaning that we cannot really be sure where the hell his carrier pigeon was attempting to travel to) but Frank is somehow under the notion that Mafia games are meant to be, foremost, fun and entertaining.

Tough , Frank. You joined this game, and since you have posted on at least one occasion, it is my rule that you are not allowed to drop out or be replaced. The only way to get Jackstick out of the game is to lead a successful lynch train against him. He's been trying to do the same thing against you, and although it's had minimal success, I am certain that someone of your stature and intellect would be able to turn the tables on our red-named friend.

That being said--Jackstick, I expected better from you as well. Threatening to feed Frank to your vicious pet anglerfish would be in direct violation of one of the Unwritten Rules of Mafia: Never kill any player in real life in an attempt to beat them at a virtual game. How low do you really plan to stoop in order to satisfy your addiction to winning?

In fact, I have it on good authority that Jackstick has been without Internet for the past few days. At first I was going to condemn Frank for blasphemously stating that he and Jackstick were having the aforementioned harassing conversation, but after Jackstick has sent me records of the conversation in full, I am suddenly confronted with the possibility that perhaps Jackstick was lying to me about his lack of social connectivity.

At this point, I truly do not know who to believe, and do not feel I should make any decision immediately, as doing so would be a rash move and prone to misfortune or incorrect choices. For the time being, you are both still in the game, and further information on my position will be forthcoming only as needed.

Sincerely,
Sayaka

Jaron, why do you hurt me so? You have known me for years! I hosted your wedding, let you crash on my bed when you were down on your luck, and even dated that one girl you didn't like to get her off your back! I have been nothing but honest with you in every way imaginable. And in my hour of need I come to you humbly, not reminding you of all the things I've done for you, to simply ask you of one favor. You might as well spit on me with your reply! To suggest my sterling integrity may be in question compared to that homicidal used car salesman is a slight that cuts to my very soul.

While you're correct that I did join this game. I fear this is no longer a game to Jackstick. Mafia is all he knows and it's quickly becoming a reality to him. He will settle for nothing less then my execution. How much blood will have to be split before you recognize Jack for the menace he is? Will I have to show you the knife in my back? I fear the answers to these questions... and remember that when the blood is shed, it will be on your hands Jaron.

Don't let this ruthless avian-killer fool you. This has absolutely nothing to do with the mafia game, so isn't it suspicious that he keeps trying to make this look like a violation of Mafia law?

You're focusing too much on the little details. Who cares where Tweedy lives? Who cares where my pigeon traveled to? What matters here is that Frank murdered my carrier pigeon in cold blood, and he refuses to pay restitution.

Not only should Frank pay restitution, but he should also be banned for even trying to avoid responsibility for the barbaric murdering of my carrier pigeon.

Please let me know when you've decided that you agree with me on this conflict. However, all bans must be approved by Tweedy, so I'll need to send a carrier pigeon to inform him of this matter.

I can't believe you'd bring up the wedding. You hosted the darn thing in a cornfield to try to get me to avoid Jackstick and what you called his "daily way of life". I'm not sure that one even warrants a return favor.

If you DO have a knife in your back, I would very much like to see it, because it would mean I'd have to change the opening text for Day Three. Remember Day Three? I don't, but you seem to. You created two Soundcloud audio files for Day Three, but it hasn't actually happened yet. Are you a time traveler, Frank? Or perhaps you're just trying to be a judge of the future? You don't seem to be very good at judging the future, Frank. You might want to try working on that throughout Day 3.Frank killed Avian Maid?!?!?!?!

Oh wait, you meant your pigeon. Nvm. Not as bothered then.

Jackstick, I've been out of the social structure of RV's moderating team for way too long. How is this supposed to be handled? Does "murdered another villager's pet bird" make Frank jump up to Step 2 on the Step Ladder, resulting in the loss of avatar and signature privileges? Or does he just get a semi-sternly-worded talking-to from hiker? It's the latter, isn't it? Well forget that, it's not even worth it.

Well, since all bans have to be approved by Tweedy, let's do this. Next time Tweedy logs in, alert me, and then we'll wait a week to make sure he wasn't just hacked or something, and then after that you can send your Ban Report via pigeon to Australia (not Austria). I'm sure everything will work out then.

Hmm, I don't know, you might be on to something here about Avian Maid. She seemed to stop visiting very abruptly! I never pegged Frank for a man who has the capacity to kill... but now I can't be sure of anything... now that he's murdered my carrier pigeon.

Unfortunately, I don't remember how the Step System works. Henner deleted the rules page AND the Step Discussion Forum, for reasons that are too far beyond my pedestrian level of understanding.

It's not oddly suspicious that after Avian Maid stop showing around Jackstick was an administrator? Yeah... I thought so. It would seem that since Jackstick has seen his plan of killing me be interrupted so he switched to framing me for a dastardly murder he already committed! Though I admit to being confused as to how Jackstick has became this ingenious serial killer... Corn farmers aren't renowned for their intellect. Maybe Jackstick has been hiding incognito for years, assuming the name Jackstick from a previous victim. It would explain how he never had corn bread in his life. It's a shame Robert Stack isn't still alive... He would be the perfect candidate to uncover this web of murders.

But he obviously has never consulted a map in his life... Everyone knows that Australia, Atlantis, and Newark are part of the greater Tri-City area in New Jersey. Which of course casts a huge question mark on his pigeon being in the Pacific Ocean story he lied about.

However, I've grown even more offended by your reply Jaron and I consider our friendship over. I hosted your wedding in a corn field not only to avoid Jackstick but also to re-enact the movie Field of Dreams because I knew it was your favorite movie of all time. The planning and back breaking labor associated with planning a wedding in a corn field and getting a guest appearance by Kevin Costner was grueling. And all of it isn't worth a favor in return?

Dare I ask what Jackstick has paid you to turn a blind eye to his terror? How much did it take for you to sell out? What did he offer you?

P.S. Please return the toaster I bought you as a wedding present. I no longer wish you and your wife many happy years because you've assured that I don't even have many miserable years left...

P.P.S. You're no longer getting a fruit cake for Christmas from me.

Dear Frank,

This week, I pondered deeply on your previous message, in which you declared our friendship over. I felt bad about it, and to make matters worse, I was unable to get on my computer on Thursday OR Friday. Then just this morning, while I was waking up next to my beautiful wife, she said the funniest thing. She said,Well let me tell you Frank, that was just the nail in the coffin.

I'd like to apologize for my treatment of you this past week. I mean, what does Jackstick have, really?

Except my lifelong friendship and affection.
And a red administrator name.
And kick-ass web design skills.
And my phone number.

It's unfair of me to treat you equally. I should have been putting you up on a pedestal, Frank. I should have went "Well , you claim Jackstick's misbehaving? Let me kick him right out of the Mafia game, buddy. It's the least I can do for a guy like you." But I didn't.

I didn't, and now it's too late.

You see, the Mafia game has been going on for quite a while now, and I can't just kick players out of it, no matter the reason. (Except thedefencema, who I'm totally going to kick out of the game because he's inactive (SPOILERS), but that's neither here nor there.)

Next time, Frank, I'll try to heed your words more closely, and respond in a timely manner. Until then, please accept my apology, as well as a $50 gift card to Teavana that should be on its way to your house via USPS mail, unless someone in the Postal Service steals my package, which we can all agree is most likely going to happen.

Best wishes,
Jaron

I understand, Frank can be very manipulative. But I think I'm okay with this. I'm still in the mafia game, which is awesome for me, but my carrier pigeon is still very dead, which I guess is awesome for Frank because he's a heartless sociopath. That feels like a draw, to me.

Don't think this means I've forgotten, though. You didn't send me my money last Wednesday like we agreed on. I will avenge my carrier pigeon, in good time.

You know he's not actually dead, right?

Who? My carrier pigeon?

What is wrong with you? Do you enjoy toying with my emotions like this?

You never mentioned my post restriction you gave me in my death speech? People will never believe that you forced that role on me now! And what the hell was with the commentary? I would of gladly read it if asked!

And what the hell about me trying to kill Jack!? I never tried to have him lynched repeatedly! He did it to me! I told you he was a psychopath. Jaron, I've already ended our friendship forever, now I consider you apart of my circle of enemies.

PS. Call me sometime. We can work this out. Give me your phone number so we can discuss this further without Jackstick hacking my PMs like usual... I still don't know how he keeps getting access to my PMs to you.

He's an admin, Frank; he can probably read all of your PMs ever.

Yes, even that one. *wink wink*

Truth be told I almost put stuff in about your post restriction but it started getting too wordy for an intro post. I didn't even THINK of doing it in an actual commentary, that would have been AWESOME. My bad.

If I recall correctly, I've already given you my phone number. It was right around the time you got that incredibly deluge of telemarketer calls, remember? (Not that there's a connection, of course, but I just remember you were tied up at the time with calls.)