Friday 21st November 993
'If I spend one more day in this damn mine I just know I am gonna.....'
'Gonna do what Samson?' I looked round. It was stuck up little Jascar, ever since he got a promotion he caused nothing but trouble for me.
'Errmm.....Work even harder?'
I muttered more under my breath. Words I would not utter again in front of anyone. Yet unfortunately this Jascar seemed to notice, and as you can imagine he was not best pleased about.
'Report to my office in hour on the dot... or else!'
'Yes...' I huffed strongly.
'Yes what?' He gloated.
'Yes sir.' I huffed again. And he walked off.
I turn back around to face my friends Anron a small dwarf covered in grime and leather and Trovold a tall fat human, who like Anron was covered in grime and leather but he also had a small religious looking necklace around his neck. He never mentioned what it was or why he had it and when we asked about he always changes the subject.
'Don't worry Samson he's a toads sister!' Anron laughed. This had the effect of instantly cheering me up. We all laughed.




More will be on the way at regular intivals. But don't hesitate to post anything that you think I could inprove.
I have taken into accout the suggetions from my second post in this topic.

Added title signifier. ~Tweedy

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siggy care of ownagePK

Well, one thing that stuck out at me is your use of quotations. You used the apostrophe, ( ' ) while the quotation is ( " ) Same key, just press shift =D.



Never use more than one question mark or exclamation mark. I know you want to express the way the question was presented, but that's what adjectives are for!



Adjectives are god. I noticed that you didn't use too many. For starters, just add the odd adjective here and there, for example, instead of just saying "pick axe" add in "iron pick axe". Readers want a good image of what's going on, physically and mentally.

I saw a few spelling errors here and there, just copy and paste this into Microsfot Word or something and do a spell check. Make sure to note the correct spelling for later reference. One last thing, commas. I am terrible at explaining them, so I'll leave it to Knux.

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When life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing

Has potential. But who is the main character? Dwarf? Human? Goblin?

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Tahu 1000 - Former Member

Heh, shouldn't you do the same?

and I've seen actual printed books that use (') for quotation, so that's not a big point

~Stip~

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Thanks Tooooon

Last Hope: A story by Stip45 & Topsummoner

Hidden: 

Jackstick wrote:

What if you're getting changed or something and they just barge in, saying "I OWN THE HOUSE, I OWN YOU. DINNER'S READY." ...doesn't seem very fair to me

I'm pretty confident in my spelling, and usually catch the typos

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When life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing

Usually. Get Firefox. It has a built-in spell checker.

Yeah, the Farie Wars series used a single quote.

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Tahu 1000 - Former Member

Now that would be telling!
Anyway I am planing to do the next installment on Saturday!

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siggy care of ownagePK

Wait, what? You're going to keep the race of the main character a secret from us?

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Tahu 1000 - Former Member

Heres that eagily awaited second instalment! I hope you all like it.

Friday 21st November 993 (continued)
‘This has got to stop Samson!’
‘What’s gotta stop?’ I replied knowing full well what I had done.
‘What’s got to stop, what Samson?’ Jascar asked with a small grin on his face as to say that he was better than me. Yet I knew if I didn’t swallow my pride I would be out of work.
‘What’s gotta stop…’ I sighed heavily.
‘Sir.’ Yet this still didn’t seem to please him. I braced myself for another wave of reprimands. But to my surprise he didn’t say a word he just looked at the wall longingly. Before turning once more to face me.
‘Look Samson I know you think I am a stuck up little idiot but I would just like to say…’
‘Is this an apology I hear coming on, Jascar?’
‘Just let me finish will you! Anyway I would just like to say that I am sorry for all the prating around and things that helped lose you this promotion.’
‘Well if that’s it do you mind if I go?’
‘Wait…. So basically what has got to change is our attitude towards each other.’
Both he and I paused nether sure whether if this proposal was a good one to make.
‘Well I suppose I could…….’ My acceptance was interrupted by a huge clap of cannon fire, followed by another and another. Both I and Jascar rushed out I ran at my friends, knocking Jascar out balance in the process. When I reached them I got them and we ran for the Falador side exit.

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siggy care of ownagePK

Again, you failed to tell us what race the main character is. Also, it's a bit hard to follow.

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Tahu 1000 - Former Member

O.K he's a human. are you happy now.

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siggy care of ownagePK

No, Neil, because you only told him out of spite rather than when it really mattered--when introducing the character.

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Goten is dead!

You should NEVER keep obvious traits of the main character secret, with the exception that the main character doesn't know themself. That rarely happens (one example is Naruto, where Naruto doesn't know he has the Kyuubi but everyone else does).

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Tahu 1000 - Former Member

Can't I do anything right I mean you ask me for it and ask me for it and when I tell you, you get annoyed with me!

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siggy care of ownagePK

Did you even read KK's comment? That's why I'm annoyed. Also, I'm giving you a tip. You still haven't given us a description of what Samson looks like.

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Tahu 1000 - Former Member

That is all coming next time! Which will be longer and contain more stuff e.g his looks

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siggy care of ownagePK

TELL US AT THE BEGINNING!

You have little, if any, idea how to write a proper story. Sure, your SPAG's fine, but that's about it (though that IS saying a lot).

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Tahu 1000 - Former Member

I guess he's just trying a different style. You've given your recommendations
and he apparently doesn't really want them so just lay off a bit here.

If you don't want to actually read his story, then don't. And much as I'm sure
you just want to help, it's obviously not working so you might as well just
stop bothering entirely.

It's, in the end, entirely his choice how he writes his story and how
much detail he goes in on. There's no sense in repeating yourself
in your suggestions over and over, it's not helping.

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"The good warrior knows when to fight, and when to withdraw."
- Sun Tzu

I'll smith anything up to 93 smithing if you have the material for me to make it with
My Story, Horrors of Myron County
RV's Drawing archive topic, post yours or comment on others

Ahhh, where's the versimilitude. It's what makes a story man.