It was all done in an inconspicuous way, so you probably aren’t even aware of this happening; but just a few short days ago, the United States issued on one of its top security alerts in the white house.

What turned out to be happening was thousands of Americans and many Canadians were suddenly and very unexpectedly becoming queasy and sick. People were losing their appetite and feeling extremely sick to their stomach were the most common symptoms among thousands of people being treated for this outrageous germ infestation. Health reports were coming in from all over. Miami, Dallas, Orlando, Los Angeles, Tampa, you name it and you could find many people suffering there. There were even a few reports from north of the border too!
Had terrorists released something highly contagious into the atmosphere where thousands were caught off guard? Was there some vicious, deadly fume floating about that no one could see or detect? The most puzzling issue was that this bacteria seemed to be spreading all over the country at a very fast rate instead of being concentrated to just one area.

Had all these people digested the same thing? Had they al been to the same place on vacation, maybe where the food was infected with a deadly disease? Well, it turns it not to have been anything like that at all. In fact, it turned out to be far, far worse. Health personals determined that all the people who took ill had one thing in common.

They’d all recently seen Tom Cruise admit his love for Katie Holmes on the Oprah Show!

“It started attacking me in swarms,” said a woman who refused to give her name from outside Alabama. “It was when Tom Cruise appeared on that Oprah Show and couldn’t control himself from talking about how much he admired Katie Holmes; you know, the actress who was a star of that show Dawson’s Creek? At that very moment, not a second later, I knew I wanted to puke my guts out. I didn’t feel so good, and I immediately thought about that hotdog I bought earlier at lunch from that street vendor. The only problem was that my husband ate almost five of those things, and he was as strong as an ox. The difference was he was in the workshop out back with a couple friends, making some sort of ugly bird feeder with his new electric drill he wanted to show that off he bought at our local home building store. He wasn't watched Oprah like I was.”
A woman in Pennsylvania said, “You know, if my husband went up on a talk show and told the entire planet how much he loved me the way Mr. Cruise did, he wouldn’t see the sun rise tomorrow.”

Although many were reassured that terrorists were not behind the extensive attacks on North America, the department of homeland security has, nonetheless, issued a worldwide safety report to ensure the safety of all television surfers.

* Be cautions and check your local TV listings very carefully. If you find that Tom Cruise is going to be a visitor, DO NOT WATCH THAT EPISODE! Instead, click that remote over to Jerry Springer, even if he’s doing “crazy daughters turn into fat dog like con artists”. You might feel a bit ill during and after the show, but it won’t be as bad as that other channel…