SUCKING UP IS THE KEY TO SUCCESS!

Story By: Dustin
Proofread By: Steve-Loser, Monk Basher, and Juansito
Coded By: Majik



What do Michael Jackson, William Hung, and Britney Spears all have in common? They all had to suck up to everyone; there is no other explanation as to how they became famous! Not one of them has any musical talent, yet somehow music companies will publish their crap. It wouldn't be so bad if their music just sat there and Sony lost a couple million, and that might actually be funny. I definitely prefer that solution. Alas, people actually buy their music and they become millionaires! It is for that reason that I am now downloading every song to keep crappy singers like that off the billboard and put them back on the street where they belong.

Now that I got that one off my chest, I figured I would show you how their kissing-up abilities can lead you. Yes, you! To a better job, higher pay, better women, and a better car! It will take some work, but it is well worth it. You may lose some... ok you WILL lose some... ok ALL respect from your co-workers. That doesn't matter, however, because you will benefit a lot from their hard work. Here are the rules of being a kiss-up:

1) Everyone above you is a god, and everyone below you is dirt.



As in any list, the most important point goes first. This is absolutely essential to your success as a kiss-up. No matter how much of a Fuzzy Bunny your boss is, you must treat him or her like God. Build a shrine on your desk if you must! However, that new employee bill won’t get you anything, and you won’t get anywhere helping him. The world would be a much better place if everyone hated those below them and worshiped everyone above them. Don't believe me?

2) Be as lazy as possible, and only work when the boss is looking.



This is when kissing-up gets tough; you can’t waste any energy when the boss isn't watching. So what if a line starts? It just looks like your'e attracting business. When your boss walks in, your co-workers will be like no energy zombies, but you will be like Pac-man after eating one of those delicious dots. Your boss will notice that! Standing there does sound kind of useless, so it would be in your best interest to bring your Game Boy.

3) Lie.



You didn't get the progress report done and its due in 5 seconds. What should you do? The television says "Do the honest thing and tell your boss," but you will get fired. Oh well, come to think of it... Didn't my entire family get attacked by wolfs while saving the whales? Yeah, that's it; I couldn't do it because of that. Your boss will completely understand, and you will be in his good books once again.

4) You like whatever sport team he likes.



This will only work if you have a male boss (or one of those beast women who love sports). You must love their sports team: just memorize a few facts and he will totally love you.

That's all it takes! Keep it up and you'll be president in no time. If you ever do become president make me your Minister of Awesomeness. That would rule!